We had a brief reprieve from the hideous humidity, this past week. Several gloriously cool and autumn-ish days….misty mornings and clear, bright air…oh happy day!
But now it’s over and we’re once again besieged by thick, cloying air.
However, given the extreme weather circumstances to the south, courtesy of Hurricane Florence, I won’t complain excessively. Cooler climes are promised…but as with all things Weather Network related, a large fistful of salt is always at hand.
The garden is in a strange state of regeneration — flowers that I’d thought were finished, are having another go-around. I don’t know if it was the sudden onslaught of moisture after our hot, rain-less summer, or if it’s the boomerang of the humidity…or something else entirely…but I’m quite happy to see it. As I commented on the Instagrams, I rather love the revivalist vibe and am always happy for second chances.
My time away from the internets this past summer gave me the much-needed space and quiet to turn a few things over….and, me being me, I’m still composting a lot of the experience. But what I can say, with a fairly large measure of certainty, is that I discovered most/all of my trials and tribulations concerning the internet can be attributed to the gap between Ideal Me and Actual Me.
You’ve probably all heard/seen that video about The Gap (Ira Glass) as it relates to one’s artistic vision? Well, this is much the same thing, only as it relates to who I am and who I wish to be. Or, in my particular case, the things I now acknowledge are not for me.
It’s the whole inspiration vs. aspiration vs. comparisonitis thing.
Long, arduous, navel-gazing story short — I’m happily letting go of some things that I am not.
I’m not a person who will bake her own bread, daily.
I’m not a person who will make every meal from scratch using only fresh, locally-grown ingredients.
I’m not a person who will stop loving stationery and papery-things in order to ONLY use 100% recycled/tree-free products
I’m not a person who will upcycle thrift-store/ old clothing into funky new garments
I’m not a person who will sew all of her own clothes from free-range, organic fabric
I’m not a person who will have a spotless, gleaming house
I’m (very likely) not a person who will refinish her orange-pine dining table into something less orange
I’m not a person who will (entirely) stop shopping with Amazon
I’m not a person who will keep a daily sketchbook/art journal
I’m not a person who will grow all of her family’s food and then preserve/can/freeze the abundance
I’m not a person who will stop putting milk and sugar/honey in her tea
I’m not a person who will stop drinking milky (instant) coffee
I’m not a person who will drink green smoothies or juice every day
I’m not a person who will sew handmade quilts
I could go on….but you get the idea.
None of that is particularly revelatory, I don’t think, and you may very well be thinking “Yeah, so what?”.
But what IS revelatory, is - after a great deal of soul-searching and questioning and hashing it out in my journal (repeatedly!) — I’m actually okay with it all. I’m okay with being the person that doesn’t do those things.
I no longer self-flagellate over all of the things that I am not.
Which then means, that I’m no longer ‘triggered’ (into bouts of self-criticism, self-loathing and despair) by seeing other people do/be those things.
(most of the time) :)
And that, my friends, for a person so very sensitive to external influences (by virtue of temperament and life experience) is pretty effink HUGE.
Oh, I’ve tried — every which way — to be all of those things, because I really believe that those things are incredibly admirable and worthy and I love that they’re things that exist in the world and that people are doing them.
But I’m just not one of those people.
I won’t justify my reasons why —- although the urge is very strong to do so, especially some of them (Amazon, after all, is the devil), but I won’t.
Because although I’ve fallen short of those(self-prescribed) standards, I’m still a whole lot of other things that are good and worthy and that’s what matters.
So, Dear Reader, what are some things that you are not?
Go on, try it.
It’s very freeing. :)